My Review of Pirates 3: At World's End

As many of you know I loved the first Pirates movie. I then went and saw the 2nd installment and wanted to shove a lawnmower down my esophagus. So, being the trooper I am, I decided to watch the last one even though many, many people told me how bad it was. Well, I say they were wrong.

The movie begins with lots of people lining up to get hung. They all start singing a pirate lullaby as they wait for their death.

Title credits

Now we are in an underground cave in Singapore. We follow Barbosa and company to the main pirate king room where they tell head pirate guy (we'll call him Chink) that the lullaby has been sung and that the quarry of nine from eight have to meet. Well, Chink, being skeptical, decides that the only way to find out if this is true is to fight, for 20 minutes, at least. So they fight fight fight and Chink agrees the meeting must happen. But first they have to find Jack. How will they do that you ask? Well, Barbosa says it's easy to get to Jack, the hard part is getting back. One has to travel through cold weather and wait for the green flashing light to occur. So they are off.

Cut to Jack Sparrow. A lot of him. He apparently is in an afterlife holideck which is able to conjure up his worst nightmares. So he is in the white sand, with lots of copies of him and eggs that look like rocks which transform into crabs. He somehow convinces the rocks to move the ship from the middle of the desert to the beach, where Barbosa, Elizabeth Swan, and crew wait for Jack. When they all meet up, Jack is unsure if they are real or if they are just figments made from the holideck. Nope, they aren't. So they set sail. But they have to figure out how to get the boat back to real life before sunrise. That's right, sunrise. Because in this world the sun rises in the west. Wait, if it rises in the west that must mean the ship is upside down. So the whole crew starts to tilt the boat back and forth for at least twenty minutes until it flips over, which it does, and then they see the green flash. WooHoo, Jack is saved from the afterlife holideck of doom.

So ends the first hour of the film.

Okay, so now that Jack is reunited with Barbosa, Swan, and crew, now they have to get Will Turner who is captured by the English as the ship Endeavor is on the hunt for pirates, riches, and world domination. So, I think Will strikes up a deal with Captain English douche bag (EDB) to find barbosa and to find where the quarry of the nine from eight are meeting. Will then says he can deliver Jack Sparrow and trade jack for Will's dad's freedom. So, the deal gets made on a short strip of land and Will goes with barbosa and Swan, while Jack goes with EDB and it seems to be bad, but a reassuring shot of Jack giving a little "I know what I'm doing" made me feel better.

So, at this point, Jack is trying to get the heart of Davy Jones so he can be freed of his debt, and Will is also trying to free his dad from his debt. . .I think, I can't really remember. No, I think that's right because if Will frees his dad they can be reunited and the dad doesn't have to be bound to the ship any longer . . . I think. Well, no matter, Jack has a plan. And the plan involves Calypso.

Barbosa knows that the plan involves Calypso too, because Calypso is bound in human form and when she is free, she can turn into weather and control it. So, Barbosa knows he has a secret weapon on his hands.

Okay, so, after the Jack/Will exchange, Barbosa and crew sail to a pirates cove conveniently close to where they are and all the pirates of the world unite. They all discuss how they are going to handle the big last battle and how they are going to amass artifacts in a plate to figure how they will beat the EDB and his english army. After about a twenty minute discussion someone yells, "We must have a vote". Whoever is pirate king will make the decision. So they vote. Every pirate captain votes for himself including Swan who is now the captain of Chink's boat. Then Jack comes out of nowhere and votes for Swan. An uproar occurs because they all argue over the rules. Then the Keeper of the Pirate law (Keith Richards) comes forward and says the law is the law. Swan wins, so they go to war with the English.

End of hour 2

So, then there occurs lots and lots of sailing to where the English boats are. When they finally get there, it is time to free Calypso because quarry of the nine from eight all put special magic items in a plate and said some magic words and then she started huffing, puffing, growing into a giant, then she exploded into a bunch of rock/crab transformers we saw in the afterlife holideck, and they all fall into the sea. Oh crap you say? You betcha! The sea starts to get real crazy and big whirlpool forms in the middle of the ships. Yikes! Then it starts to rain, then it's "man your battle stations" and "Fire!" The battle to end all battles occurs. Swords and cannons fly everywhere. Jack fights Davy, Barbosa fights crazy english soldiers, Will and Swan do this swing your sword/profess your love that really defines their relationship. So much so that during the sword fight, they get married. Where would they find someone to marry them? Barbosa of course. So they exchange vows in between swinging their swords.

Then the big standoff with Davy, Will, Swan, and Jack happens. Jack found Davy's heart and is about to stab it when Davy turns around and stabs Will, rendering him dead. Jack and Barbosa put a sword through Davy's heart and he dies for good. Then the waters grow calm, then a big ship comes out of the water and it's Will's. He's alive again and captain of the boat that carries the dead. Both ships then sail to the Endeavor and blow it to pieces. Swan is happy to see Will again but can't for long because now his heart is in a lock box and must go to the afterlife holideck for ten years.

In the end, Jack in on shore with 2 ladies looking for the black pearl. Well, it's not where he parked it. Turns out Barbosa stole it and the map to the fountain of youth from Jack. Ha Ha Barbosa says, foiled Jack one more time, then opens up his map to see there is a big hole in it. ARG!! Jack was the one that took it, now he's after the fountain of youth.

Then Will and Swan are on a beach and Will has to say goodbye but, he leaves his heart in a treasure chest for her to keep. Then after the credits, Will does come back. I guess they can be happy again, right?

This film redefines stupid.